I love it all- I miss it all

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     There are those moments when I see the pictures of past memories and I remember what I used to have. I miss those days and I want them back. I yearn to be back where I was those days. I long to linger in that presence and just enjoy the sun upon my eyelashes and the breeze fresh against my skin. It stings me to the heart and I have a knot within my throat. Tears swell up behind my eyeballs and I sigh within my soul. That is what I see when I look back, but as I sit here, considering the present, I sigh again. Even though my heart is heavy and troubles surround me, even though I often sink to my knees in apparent despair, I find that I am alright. I feel around with my palms and I touch the ground; it does not move and it does not fall apart. I see the faces of those around me and I smile. I think of the troubles, but I also think of the joys. I don’t regret being here, I don’t regret leaving what I left, but I also don’t forget what I have gained. Oh, the memories. O, the pains, the joys, the fun, the dull... I love it all... I miss it all, but I am also happy where I am now. I love it all... and will miss it all if the time comes to move on again. But there in the midst of it all, there you were. I look back and it was you who lifted me when I was down, made me smile when I frowned, picked me up when I fell, led me on when I was lost, rescued me when I walked to death. I hear your whispers still that spoke the truth into my heart throughout my days. For now, I hold on dearly to the hope that your hand will never let me go- it has held me thus far and will keep holding me forever. The winds are strong, the storms are close, but you O Lord are stronger, you are closer. My mere humanity is left without words, my eyes run out of tears, my mouth without voice, in awe, in a daze at your glory, your mighty hand. I am undone within my nature, fallen, broken, sunk, unworthy. God, you amaze me. I am mesmerized beneath the shadow of your wings. I shake my head in disbelief and yet you are there amongst my doubts. My mouth forms the words, “I love you” but this language is not enough to speak of such heartfelt longings in my thoughts for you.

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