Looking Forward

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In the face of a new year, I am humbled before the presence of a Mighty God. In retrospect, my wallowing and weeping have torn precious time from my journey with the Father. God took me through several places in order to teach me humility this 2012. His lessons for me to cease my complaining were often so difficult that I felt myself taking steps back. I was living half-heartedly when I learned I had to fall down before I could get up; I had to die before being revived by God.

Learning to recognize the difference between the attack of the enemy and the testing of God's hand could not have been a more difficult lesson. O, how I wrestled within myself; my flesh and my spirit. Battling a depression I was unwilling to admit I was going through, took away from my joy and drained me emotionally. My pride stood in the way to ask for help to those around me even in the most pivotal points of my life, but more than that, I hate the pride that stood in the way between God and my heart. It is still there, I know, but God is still at work. I remember Spring of 2012 and remember my pathetic state. I was surrounded by love and I was blind to it. I imprisoned myself within my dorm room and punished myself without reason. To think that at one point, I was in such a dark place that in my apathy for life, I almost starved myself to death. I am glad that today, I am hungry again. I am hungry for Christ, for his word and his love to fill me and redeem my cold heart.

My expectations for Urbana 12 were to learn about missions around the world and come back to Chicago, unchanged. My experience during Urbana 12 were a changed heart and a fresh passion for seeking the Lord. For once in a long time, it is not an emotional high, but it is truly a spiritual nourishment I had both been needing and longing for. I am left disgusted by my ungratefulness and sinfulness, but also in awe of the majestic forgiveness I've been granted by such a loving Father who calls me his own. It is a humbling thing to know that God, the God of the Universe would call me his own.

God is beckoning me to his presence, to leave my worries behind me and look to him. In his hands, I must leave my insecurities of where I should go, my doubts of why I am here, my fears of what is to come, my regrets of failing in the past, my dreams of the life I would like and my desire for genuine relationships. Truly the peace which surpasses all understanding has come over me and I am looking forward to what God has for me this year, but not only that, I am looking forward to what he has for me every day. He is calling me to make the most of the time, for the days are evil (Ephesians 5:16). I look forward to that glorious day in which he will call me home and until then, I will look forward to every minute I can spend with Him here on earth.


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