A Hypocrite's Prayer

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How can it be that two opposite passions could rage within my soul? I love and I hate; I'm free and I'm bound. This wretched heart, it holds life and it holds death. It pumps to give my body health, but it sins to enslave my soul to evil. O, that I could pluck out all it's evil, all it's hatred, all it's sin.

My flesh and soul they battle day and night; there is not rest within me whatsoever. O, that I could die to all my sin, my flesh. I am disgusted by my sin. I am full of sin, I cannot bear. Perfection mocks me, for I cannot reach it. I am alone in a dark desert and I cannot find a place to rest. Sleep has escaped me and I fear it won't return. O, that I could but change the things in me, the way I am. But lo, I'm far too weak, far too slow and far too vulnerable to speak.

I am the worst of humans; I am not worthy of anything. I am not worthy of being warmed by the morning sunlight, or to be cooled off by the evening night fall. There is nothing on this earth that I deserve or anything that I should want to have for all eternity. O, wretched sin, a thief, here to take my all. I can no longer bear to see my heart thus torn, where flesh and soul must fight.

I want with all my heart to be completely cleansed, but why, O, why, must I also have to want my sin as well? I want this and I want that, but cannot have them both. Why can't I be fully free; for what does glory serve if I cannot fully bring it to my Lord? What good is one who serves while at the same time doesn't really serve?

What good are all my "holy" words if I will only taint them with unholy actions? You hypocrite, my soul, my heart, my being. How I hate thee with thy sin. You say one thing and do the other. It's only beyond my understanding why God would want to save my wretched, sinful life. Why he would want to use me or why he would desire to spend eternity with me. His love is greater than my faults and if that is so, I could never comprehend it's depth for even all my sins are much too great for knowledge to with-hold.

"...let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God." 2 Corinthians 7:1

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